Sitting here, wanting to type something out, to let the creativity speak for itself through me.
I began to start doubting myself, is it gonna be good enough?
May be write it, but am I sure I want to publish it? May be I am wasting others time?
I have no single answers.
Then I asked myself. Does it really matter whether I publish it or not? Does it really matter?
If its not, then what DOES matter?
I feel, what matters is the state of my mind in this moment. Am I doing it totally conscious?
Am I doing it, without even a trace of the ego? Am I doing it to become famous?
Am I doing it to build up my courage, by facing my fears?
My arms shaking a bit, I still typed out everything.
For few moments I prayed, cleared my mind and with utmost mindfulness clicked the publish button.
Let this be added into the great mysteries of universe.
Let it propel whatever it has to propel.
Or let it rest in peace, dying where it was born moments ago.
Now whatever happens, is beyond my understanding.
Recently one of my friend asked me why I don’t drink. He was puzzled at the fact that how I can be normal and have fun without drinking. I assume that he meant how can you be normal without getting high.
I understand his surprise. You sit all day in your room or in your office, spending time on your laptop or doing some work which you don’t like, when your soul is actually looking for some unique experience. The only way out is to get high and forget about the day.
So when he asked what do I do in such a situation, I said “If I was busy with work and had to stay in my room for 2-3 days I feel really irked. Then I either go for some trek, or for some rock climbing. Moving on a rock or hiking on a ridge I get high and just make me forget all the tough days I had. I feel blessed to do it.”
I think everyone can find something like this to get high. I like to call it passion.
I am not sure how to start this topic. Everyone talks,shares and likes in social networking websites how loving their parents are and in my mind a question mark appears, Really?
I am not saying my parents never loved me, or they hate me or anything like that. They have brought up me well, fed me well, educated me well. They still care about me in their own way. Everything looks perfect. Then what is the problem?
The problem occurs when the kids grow up and form their own ideas about life. Kids realize that its their life, and they have to live it in their way. No two people think alike, and its the same case for you and your parents.
When we do something out of ordinary our parents are not able to digest it well. They start getting in their kids way. They act and talk like they are doing it for their kids sake, for their better future. But when you take your time and dig, you find that they are simply playing their role in society. Its not love, its role playing they do in order to look good within the boundaries of society.
I have started experiencing this, when I left my job to become a freelancer and when I took trekking and climbing as my serious passion. They never understood what its for me. For them it was out of ordinary, something which you don’t do in the life cycle defined by society. Society has defined a life cycle of study,job,marriage,kids,pension etc. Passion has no place in there. Doing something for the soul is alien to society, unless there is money or any other material reward associated with it. And our parents go strictly with this mechanical life style and ask us to do the same.
I have seen how you can ruin your relationship with parents and relatives, by trying to live your own life. The easiest solution to reduce the tension I found was to stay far from the family and relatives. This is the reason why I stay in Bangalore in spite of being a freelancer.
The same goes with my relatives too. One of my uncle don’t talk to me because of this. Initially he used to give me advice about why I should be serious about life and find a permanent job. I told him my reasons and my view point of living. This happened few times. Nowadays he doesn’t talk to me that much. The only thing I can infer from all of this is that, as long as you keep listening to people and act like a puppet they will love you.
I think we should always introspect before doing something for others thinking that we are helping them. We may end up hurting ourselves and others on the process.